Starting again

Hello everyone! It’s been a while since I posted, and I’m here to briefly explain why that is, what I’ve been up to, and what I hope to do in the future.

The truth is, I was completely stuck. I had no idea what to do with HackMyHeart (and in many ways, I still don’t). I’m nervous about what I share here, about who might stumble upon my words, and about what they might think. But the truth is, I’m stagnating, and I want to start again. I fear it may be a rough journey, and this may not be the only “fresh start” that occurs, but I realized that sitting behind trapped in the planning stages was not getting me anywhere. So I’m back with the intention of writing more frequently.

I’ve been trying a lot of things recently to make myself feel better about myself, and reduce my fear. Although there are a lot of things I want to be doing for myself, the truth is I got paralyzed with the sheer amount of change I wanted to bring about. As such, I’ve pared it down to some simple things that I’m having an easier time doing consistently, with the hope that eventually I will be able to incorporate more of the habits I want to make part of my life. The things I’ve been pretty successful at doing include:

  • Writing an “Accomplishment List” each day. On my daily list, I write down anything that feels like an accomplishment, no matter how big or small. For example, sometimes just sending an email at work, or taking the two minutes to floss my teeth at night, feel like monumental tasks that are worth noting. In this way, I’ve learned to focus on the positives just a bit more, and I have a tangible list to look to. My friends try to point out to me everything I’ve done that’s worthwhile all the time, but acknowledging it for myself is powerful as it teaches me to value my own worth, regardless of what others think.
  • Keeping a “Gratitude Journal.” For my gratitude journal, I write down at least five things every morning I’m grateful for. Sometimes I struggle more than others to get even five things down, and sometimes I can write down three times the amount before slowing down! In this way, I try to focus on everything I’ve got going for me, instead of dreading my “to dos” for the day. At night (or sometimes the next morning, if I forget), I write down the “Best parts of my day” so that I can remember all the good things that have happened that I’m thankful for.
  • Learning to be present/meditating. This is the newest of my “tools” I’ve been utilizing. I’ve begun to understand the importance of being in the moment, and what it means to be truly present as it prevents you from being too caught up with either the past or the future (which can be pondered when you’re feeling calm, instead, if there’s things to plan/learn from). When I feel panicked especially, I find that by focusing in on my current moment and not a second ahead, I can usually diffuse my feelings of fear and worry. In meditation, I try to face my strong emotions so that I may experience them, learn from them, and finally make peace with them. I’ve been learning that the best way to overcome tough emotions or situations is to look through them, rather than try to run away from them or suppress them; if you do that, you’ll just continue to be dragged down by them.

I’m still in the process of really solidifying these practices into my daily life, but I feel it will be worth it in the long run as they’re all really focusing in on trying to improve what I’ve been dealing with for years.

Over the next while, I am aiming to update this blog more frequently with whatever comes to mind to be worth sharing about. I may update the appearance of this blog/make other changes to it, but my priority is simply to try writing and seeing what I most enjoy sharing with the world. This may happen on more than one blog, this may all happen here. But I need to take the first step — even if it will just be a series of baby steps — to do something that might bring me towards where and what I want to be. I may not know fully what to do, but I know I need to do something different than what I’ve been doing.

Until next time,

Calae

To any readers out there: What have you been working on recently? Are you finding any habits/changes helpful to getting to where you want to be? Anything you’d like to try?